Sarah told her man, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that… I won’t tolerate it!” 

Yet, a man will respond based on how he thinks you feel about him.  If he feels from your energy and words that you think he is a jerk… he will see that as an attack, and he will attack back.  Then you will have a battle on your hands… a battle that you started and no one can win!

So what do you do? Are you supposed to just stuff it!  What happened to the idea of being authentic?  You might be thinking, “And by the way… I am authentically angry and resentful, insulted and bitter!  And I don’t want this to continue!”

Of course you don’t!  So let’s examine this a little further.  A friend of mine owns a horse farm in Ocala, FL.  Her daughter got a new horse from Europe, but no one can ride it… It just bucks everyone off.  “That’s probably why they sold it”, I said.

“Oh no!” my friend said.  “He’s a fine horse.  When my daughter got the horse, she boarded it, and the caretakers there, let him get away with it.  You can’t let a horse get away with anything or it will continue, and the horse will develop bad habits!”

And I assure you it’s the same with a man.  You can’t ignore bad behavior or he will develop bad habits and the bad behavior will continue.

The trick is to stay focused on expressing your own feelings, not trying to change him.  Simply say, “That hurt me, and that’s not OK.”  Clearly, confidently, concisely express your authentic feelings with no drama, no long-winded, guilt-ridden explanations or justification for why you feel hurt.

Hurting you is non-negotiable.  He can say anything he needs to say, in a kind, gentle manner, no matter who is wrong.  And yet, know that making him wrong would be like throwing gasoline on the fire… sure to blow-up in your face and cause you pain!

Remember, he can feel the energy of your thoughts.  Are you thinking that he is a nasty jerk… insulting , disrespecting and invalidating you.  Or are you simply intending to teach him how you want him to behave with you?  That’s your responsibility, you know.  The sense of insult comes because you think he should already know this!

So calmly, vulnerably state what you authentically feel, “That hurt me, and that’s not OK.”  Then walk away and allow him to process this confident you.  He may get defensive… Just walk away.  Let him grumble if he needs to.

And when he changes his behavior, don’t hold a grudge.  Don’t stay insulted and not talk with him for 2 days.  You got what you want, so give him a smile and enjoy your day together!

 

From Gladys’ column in Sibyl Magazine, as published by Sibella Publications

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